Online Dating: Time for a Break

It’s a new month and a new season (hopefully, this is Southern Ontario). Today I hid/disabled my online dating accounts and deleted the apps from my phone. It almost feels like a relief. The best things I was getting out of it were jokes to share with you guys!

Online dating is A LOT OF WORK! I had changed my profile to reflect a more serious search. I put a lot more information about what I was searching for and about myself. This did not stop people from sending brief messages (“hey” does not get my attention) or soliciting sex which is not what I’m looking for. Weeding through profiles and photos can be tiring. Seeing the same faces over and over is discouraging, as is receiving no responses when you send genuine messages.

So I don’t know what that means for this blog. Hopefully I’ll be posting some more adventurous things, more road trips, self-dates and lots of friend time!

Niagara Butterfly Conservatory! Recent friend date.

I do want to find a partner and an equal. I am not greedy or selfish, and I am not picky or discriminatory. What I want in a partner is simple, but apparently not easy to find. I just want to find my equal and someone who:

• enjoys their life, enjoys their job
• loves live music as much as I do
• challenges me intellectually
• I can learn from
• has passion and love in their heart; can be sympathetic and empathetic
• a great listener
• independent and adult (financially and emotionally)

What I really want is someone who can embrace “together but separate”. I do not want my “other half” because I feel like I am a whole person; I want someone to stand beside me and that we can lean on each other for support.

So there it is, I’ve put it out into the universe and I hope it will come back to me! That’s the best I can do.

You can find some of my adventures on instagram!

Dating Yourself!

I’ve been slacking on writing lately! Creativity was zapped, and then I had a cold. However I’m back and hope I can keep up a bit of momentum!!

Recently I’ve taken some time to look at where my life is at. A lot changed last year while I was working 2 jobs and completing my Master’s degree fulltime. Friendships changed, and some were lost. I know this is natural. A lot of friendships were also made stronger, and new ones created! It was a rough year for me personally and I was very glad when 2015 came along.

One thing that changed last year was that a lot of my friends met their significant other. This is good. I hope they are happy and that they are cultivating healthy relationships! This doesn’t make our friendships less, just different. I’m okay with this. I’m happy my friends are happy! Just because they are less available does not mean I want to stop getting out there and trying to meet new people!

What do I mean by dating yourself? I mean going out and doing things solo!  I find some activities easier than others. I have a tendency to not eat out alone, or go to the movies alone. By the end of the year I hope to do more of this. Here are my rules for going solo:

1. Be confident
You rock! Dress for you and don’t look back! Everyone else is in their own little world and no one is noticing you are alone. Take photos, sing along at the concert, buy yourself a beer! Treat yourself, you deserve it!
2. Let someone know where you are
It’s also nice to let someone know where you’ll be and when because maybe someone will show up! A couple weeks ago my city hosted JunoFest. I went to all the events alone, and ended up meeting family or friends there. Some knew where I would be and met up with me, others just like the same things I do so we ended up in the same place.

3. Branch out
Try something new. Skating, roller blading, painting, writing. Just do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. I travelled alone in 2011 on a Contiki trip. I met people on the trip who lived near and far from my home. However, before I met up with the tour group I was on my own exploring London and Edinburgh. I went to museums, restaurants and shows on my own. I was never scared and I liked being able to do what I wanted when I wanted.

4. Make new friends
It’s hard to make new friends in your 30s, and I know I likely won’t be meeting someone at work. Say hello, smile, be friendly. Strike up a conversation with a friends friend, or the bar tender, or the band! Be open to letting people come and talk to you.

5. Stay in touch with your friends
I still usually invite people out or try to make plans. Even if you get a no, at least they know you are thinking about them still. So make plans, even if they are in two weeks when everyone is less busy! Now you’ll have all kinds of things to talk about.

What do you like to do alone? Any other suggestions to make dating yourself awesome?

Online Dating: “Nice Guys” vs Nice Guys

Can we talk about “nice guys” for a minute? Because there is a difference between a “nice guy” and a nice guy. (My third grade teacher hated the word nice and it is making this blog really hard to write!)

I tend to share (overshare?) some of the really negative messages I receive while online dating. There are a couple reasons for this:

1) I think it is funny, and I know you do too!
2) People often don’t think it is “that bad”, and it can be!

To be honest, it usually just rolls off my shoulders. These people don’t know me and I owe it to myself to not let it get me down. It’s not always easy to do, and I found these last couple particularly hard.

These are the “nice guys”. The guys that have to justify their “niceness” to you like they have something to prove. They think they are being nice just by messaging you and by giving you their time. They think that you owe it to them to talk/meet/sex them because they are better than you in some way.

Examples:

 Hey you! YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY A NICE GUY! Your message is rude. I called him out on the comment and he “couldn’t believe I was so angry”.

This is what happened when I said “no” to giving him any contact information. He asked what no means, to which I replied “no means no”. Yes, I’m clearly soooo lucky he messaged me since he’s doing me a favour and being nice.

So to be completely honest and fair, I have met some genuinely nice men through online dating. Some I’m still in contact with as friends.  I don’t tend to share those messages, especially if I feel the relationship is going somewhere/anywhere. Plus they aren’t always as funny.

The true nice guy doesn’t have to tell you he’s nice, he shows you. He listens to what you are saying, is interested in the things you do/like/are, and is willing to share parts of himself. He doesn’t make inappropriate comments about your body. He doesn’t demand physical contact/sex/intimacy, and asks if it is okay to kiss you or touch you. This nice guy is okay with the word no and it doesn’t affect his ego.

So to everyone who wonders why I’m still putting myself through the torture of online dating, these guys are the reason why. I wouldn’t keep doing it if I didn’t believe that there are genuine and nice people out there.

Online Dating: Five Really Bad Dates

This post appeared originally on my old blog from a year ago. I don’t keep it up and will likely delete it. Still, I find this post amusing so I edited it and I am posting it here. Thanks for reading!!

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So if you haven’t already figured out, I’ve done a bit of online dating over the last few years.  Most of the dates have been pretty okay, especially recently. But I have had some pretty bad first dates.

In no particular order, here we go …

5. The universe is made of circles and also I talk to my veggies. 
Met cute guy for a scenic walk. This is nice because at the very least we can talk about the scenery and nature, right? Of course we can. And then he can ramble about how the universe is circles and everything is connected and how cool is science. He also talked about hating his fast food job because he was a raw vegan. He also talked to his raw veggies before he ate them. I’m not judging, that is just not my lifestyle.

4.  The strong, silent type.
You’re not mysterious and I don’t want to carry the whole conversation. Talk a little. This has happened more than once. Number four is not one person!

3. I’m homeless soon, how would you like a live-in boyfriend? I could cook for you while I start my own business.
And eat my food on my part-time income. No, We actually were only chatting on Skype and hadn’t met yet. But when I declined he seemed more surprised then I expected. As a social worker, my best advice was to find a local shelter.

2. Dog seizure.
Met this man and his dog for a walk. Dog humped my leg. Sat and talked about similar professions and he proceeded to try to get me to break confidentiality based on historically mutual clients. Watched drunk lady fall over while walking her small pug-like dog. He has full conversation with her about dogs, I twiddle my thumbs. We continue to walk. His dog has a seizure (which, for the record, was completely terrifying for me and while this is a good story I did feel bad for the dog!). This guy insists on continuing the walk! I finally bail about block from my place.

1. Oh you have tattoos? My religion doesn’t approve. I wouldn’t get one, but I don’t mind them I guess.
Then tells me that his parents would disapprove of him getting any. Super awkward, longest one hour date ever. Fifteen minutes after we part ways he tries to booty call me since we won’t be seeing each other again for a few weeks. I not-so-gently let him know that we will not be getting together again. Ever. EVER. Label him creep in my phone.

Tell me about your first date! I’m glad that I have some amusing stories to share.

Online Dating: Ghosts

I’ve taken to calling the men who suddenly stop all communication for no obvious reason “ghosts’. I know I can’t be the only person who has experienced this phenomenon. Twice in the past 3 months I have been talking with what I thought were great people, and they also seemed genuinely interested in me.

We had managed to make to text message, but not meeting. I had set up a time to meet one of them, but he ended up in a car accident and didn’t make it (of course now I wonder how true that was). He went on holiday after Christmas, we texted Happy  New Year – and then I never heard from him again. We had great conversations, traded photos and memories and laughs, and then suddenly silence.

Man number 2 is a similar story. He stopped texting mid conversation. We were having a conversation about a more serious topic and he just stopped texting. Both times I waited around 48 hrs to send another hello text, and then another 48 hrs to send them a “wish you well” text. That’s just my style and need for closure. This “ghosting” hurts my feelings, especially as someone who is extremely empathic and aware of how everyone around me is feeling.

But the real question is: WHY?? Eharmony has a few reasons and I tend to mostly agree (and disagree with their use of the word midget). They are still asking the same question as me – even if you weren’t ready for a relationship for any reason at all, why don’t you just let the other person know?

Personally I’m starting to believe that these men just don’t realize that there is another human at the end of the conversation. We never met, so I must not be real and I must not have emotions. Lindy West confronted her troll who pretended to be her deceased father on Twitter. In the end he confesses that he never thought of her as a full person. Online dating ghosts are not the same thing as abusive and harassing internet trolls, but I think the point stands. It’s is really easy to hide behind the OKCupid app on your phone.

In the end, I got to confront one of my ghosts on Tinder. That’s right, despite not ever meeting and never talking again we both swiped right! I was shocked. I did not expect him to match with me; I swiped right out of curiosity. After a lighthearted message about the awkwardness of Tinder he wrote back, and then this happened:

And then nothingness again. I’m going to start directing people to this site.

What do you think? I’m sure women do this too. Why do people just disappear without word?

Tinder Experiment: Cuddles?

At the encouragement of pretty much everyone, I’ve decided to restart blogging about my dating life. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve made great use of online dating sites/apps. As a social worker, recent grad student and busy person it is REALLY hard to meet people! I’m also a bit introverted and it’s hard to feel comfortable in large crowds.

It’s been a long journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned too much about strangers on the internet. I’ve sort of become known as the girl who has the craziest and weirdest dating/online dating experiences. I’ve also received a lot of pictures of penises. So … we’ll get into those stories soon!

Recently I rejoined Tinder, typically used as a hook up app, and added that I was looking for only cuddles in my profile. So ya, I became a bit of a troll. It was worth the laughs and no hard feelings.

Here are some of the responses I received. Got a lot of offers for naked cuddling. Maybe a little NSFW ….

Matthew – wants ‘cuddles’, but at least he is a thoughtful about it. Except he stopped chatting to me when I insisted that our clothes would be staying on.

 

Stephen – also believes that you can’t just cuddle, and also stopped talking to me when he realized that there would be no sexy times.

Colin – autocorrect on his phone is so crazy! This actually made me laugh out loud. He later insisted that it would be so much that it would break my glasses. GROSS.

Mikey – actually wants to cuddle 🙂

Apparently there is an app called “cuddlr’ and maybe that should be my next adventure. I will keep you posted on results!!
What are your online dating experiences?